Category: relationships

Posted in mental health, relationships, wellbeing, wellness

Monday Matters: 5 Great Ways To Expand Your Social Circle

Posted on by Laura

Social connection is a key part of good mental health and wellbeing, but, making new friends and acquaintances can often feel much more difficult as we get older. So, today, I’m sharing 5 ways in which you can widen your social circle so as to easily enjoy a diverse range of relationships and hopefully find some good friends along the way.

Volunteer

Volunteering for a cause that you are passionate about can be a great way to meet people with similar interests and core values. I used to volunteer for the RSPB and, although I worked alone in my particular role, our team used to meet up for regular social events where birds and wildlife were one of our many topics of conversation.

There are tonnes of different ways to volunteer but here are some ideas to get you started:

  • work for a local food bank
  • help out at a local animal shelter
  • become a gardener at a nearby National Trust place
  • if you live by the coast, get involved in a beach clean up
  • support your local hospital trust
  • become a youth mentor
  • assist at a local charity shop
  • join The British Red Cross

Get a pet dog

Now, I haven’t tried this one myself as my husband is allergic to dogs, but I do know that taking your pet for a walk in your local park or just around the block is a guaranteed way of meeting others and potentially building friendships. Whilst your mutt says hello to other dogs he or she meets along the way, you’ll likely find yourself chit chatting with their owner, firstly about your dogs, but then, often widening the conversation to a topic of your choosing. And, in all likelihood, you’ll bump into each other again another time, and if you enjoyed chatting before, you’ll probably find yourself talking to one another again.

Become part of an online community

One of my favourite ways to connect with like-minded individuals is on a virtual basis through joining groups on Facebook. Wherever your interests lie, there’s likely to be a related group that you can try out. I’m a member of all kinds of groups including Ethical Hamster Care, Angry Birds 2 Gamers, Dolphin Spotting NE From your Facebook homepage, just click the fifth icon in the middle section of the upper bar and either peruse available groups using the discover button or search for topics of interest using key words.

Attend a class or workshop

Signing up for a class or workshop is a great way to meet new people with similar interests. I’ve done a number of different short courses over the years including two ceramics classes (beginners and intermediate), photography for beginners, Tai Chi, The Wheel of Wellness, Mindfulness and aromatherapy. I met people of all different ages and backgrounds and I’ve stayed in touch with some of them since finishing.

Join the gym

I’ve been a member of my local gym for a few years now and I’ve met so many people who share my interest in keeping fit and maintaining good wellbeing. I’ve found that in the gym itself, people don’t tend to make conversation but in the classes that I go to, there’s plenty of chatter before the activity starts and as we pack away our equipment. There’s also a cafe where I go and at least a handful of participants grab a coffee together afterwards.

Final words…

I hope you’ve found today’s post beneficial and it has given you some ideas about how you can grow your social circle. I would love to hear in the comments of any stories you would be happy to share about different ways in which you’ve made new friends and acquaintances as an adult.

Posted in life hacks, psychology, relationships

Monday Matters: A beginners guide to ‘pebbling’ to strengthen your relationships

Posted on by Laura

Up until an hour ago (well as I write this anyway), I had never even heard of the term ‘pebbling’, which, according to an online article, is a very commonly used social media hashtag and a popular practice among us all (I must live under a rock which has no WiFi!). Despite this, as I perused the online article, I realised that I’ve engaged in pebbling with colleagues, friends, family and my husband many times, without knowing there was an actual name for it. If you’re unfamiliar with pebbling or the associated hashtag which is (apparently) currently flooding TikTok along with other social media platforms, or if you’d like to know more, I encourage you to read on…

The word pebbling was, in fact, originally used to described a romantic gesture that has been happening for decades, amongst gentoo penguins. During the breeding season, as part of their courtship ritual, male penguins carefully select and present a perfectly shiny and beautiful pebble to their prospective mate as a sign of their worthiness as a love interest and suitability to lifetime commitment (gentoos are usually monogamous). If the female is impressed by the aforementioned, she will place the gifted item as the foundation stone of her nest. Then, in return, she will present her own carefully chosen, smooth and highly polished specimen to her mate as a form of non-verbal communication.

Photo from a selection of free images on Unsplash curated by Derek Oyen

Now, I’m not about to suggest that you head off to the beach in a bid to find your own perfect little stone to woo potential partners with, but you can certainly apply the principles of pebbling by offering a small, inexpensive (or free) gift to demonstrate your feelings towards someone or to simply show them that you care, whether that’s as a family member, a friend, a colleague or as evidence that you like or admire them. I’ve written before on my blog about love languages with one of them being focused on receiving gifts, but, to be honest, I can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t appreciate a little, thoughtful something-or-other from someone else (as long as they consent to it or it would be considered a nice surprise anyway!).

The thing with the gentoo penguins and their pebble giving is that there’s no financial cost, and the emphasis is wholly on spending quality time carefully selecting something that they feel that the recipient would really appreciate. And this act of ‘pebbling’ can be applied to human gift giving as well – including the non-verbal element if you so wish. Think inexpensive or free items that will bring a little spark of joy to both the giver and the receiver, and you can’t go wrong.

So, what kind of things could you give as a token gift?

What you choose will completely depend on your chosen recipient but, here’s some ideas for you to consider:

  • A virtual gift with a ‘saw this and thought of you’ message attached e.g. their favourite pet or animal doing something amusing, a meme that just says it all or says it better than you possibly could (pebbling is very popular with neuro-divergent individuals who may struggle to say something heartfelt or thoughtful in words).
  • A link to an article you’ve read online (or a newspaper / magazine cutting) that you think would interest them or is on a topic which you think they would love to learn more about.
  • Some flowers picked from your garden which you think would cheer them up or make their day.
  • A photograph of you and a friend that you found from a while back as you were scrolling through your Google albums on your phone. This could be forwarded somehow, shared on social media e.g. their ‘wall’ on Facebook or printed and delivered in some way.
  • A pretty greetings card in which you let the person know that you are thinking about them or really appreciate them
  • Something to represent an ‘inside joke’ that you reckon would bring a smile or make someone giggle
  • A multipack of chocolate or sweets that you share with a couple of your closest colleagues.
  • Pass on a book (or a personal recommendation of one) that you’ve read and think they would enjoy too.
  • Pop out to your local bakery on a Sunday morning to get pastries for a leisurely breakfast with your partner, flat mate or kids
  • Buy a subject specific magazine for your significant other e.g. computing, gardening, crafting, wildlife etc
  • Pick up a little personalised item for them e.g. pen, pencil, keyring etc e.g. from a garden centre or gift shop (or, if you have a Cricut machine, add their name to an inexpensive plain or patterned notebook)
  • Bake some biscuits or cupcakes and bring them to the office to share with your colleagues (sometimes the recipient might be more than one person)
  • Buy a small box of individually wrapped chocolates (e.g. Cadburys Heroes, Celebrations, Roses or Quality Street) and let everyone you work closely with choose their favourite to enjoy with a coffee at breaktime.
  • Visit your local pet store to find a treat for your pet or pets – who says that penguins should be the only non-human animal to perform loving acts! Or, if you don’t have your own pet, why not pick up a treat to give to someone you like who does have their own cherished animal (thanks to my husband’s ex work colleague who provided the inspiration for this one – Aggie the hamster was very grateful for the cupcake shaped biscuits!)
Aggie in her digging tower where her treat was hidden!

Final words…

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading today’s post and it’s given you a good overview of the origins of ‘pebbling’ and examples of different small gifts you can give to show affection or care. I’m sure most of us have engaged in the act pebbling many times in the past and I would love to hear some of your favourites in the comments.

Happy pebbling!

Posted in Bipolar disorder, mental health, mental illness, physical health, relationships, wellbeing, wellness

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly of Hypomania in Bipolar Disorder, including my personal experience

Posted on by Laura

Right now, I’m going through a period of hypomania as part of my bipolar disorder. It seems to have been brought on by Covid-19 because, despite feeling awful physically, my mind was racing and I was getting less than 4 hours sleep in total. Desperately craving some calm to help myself recover from my temporary illness, I turned to a packet containing medication I was given when I was getting used to my bipolar meds namely Diazepam. I thought as I recovered from the virus, things would settle down but so far, as I write this post, they haven’t. I’m trying desperately to do mindful activities to help myself get back to a stable state (what I would usually describe as my ‘normal’) but it’s proving difficult and I’m worrying that I’m going to get worse.

As part of my hypomanic episode, I’ve got literally hundreds of ideas for blog posts, creative pursuits, ways to improve my life and things I absolutely need to start doing. In some ways this is good as, before Christmas, I was struggling with tiredness and didn’t want to do as much with my day and worries that I was becoming depressed filled my mind. However, being ‘high’ means I’m constantly adding to my to do list (or my ‘must do’ list as it feels) and I find myself working on ‘projects’ until late evening and not wanting to stop. And then, surprise surprise, my mind is full of stuff and I’m struggling to switch off when my husband and I settle down to watch TV and I’m finding sleep just will not come.

My husband is still feeling tired from Covid and by the end of the working day, he’s exhausted and finding it difficult to listen and pay attention to my constant witterings. You see, when my mind is full of thoughts and ideas, I get verbal diarrhoea which is not good news for me or my husband – I can’t stop talking and I talk so fast that he can’t keep up. Even my text messages become long and waffly! And if my husband asks a question that has already been answered or he’s failed to compute something I’ve said, I’ll become irritated and short with him.

Talking of being irritated. I’m getting annoyed with all kinds of people and things. A slow driver in front of me on the way to the supermarket. Someone who doesn’t say thanks when I let them pull out. Ink on my hand because of being a leftie. The queue at the post office meaning I have to wait to collect my Amazon order. Having a headache because I’ve failed to drink enough water during the day. The list goes on, and on, and on!

I’ve also noticed that I’m buying more ‘stuff’ in a bid to improve my life. Luckily, I don’t struggle with mania (as I have bipolar 2) so I won’t make huge purchases like a brand new car or an expensive holiday, but things become much more attractive when I’m high. I was in TKMaxx a few days ago, and the more I looked around, the more I wanted things and so I made my purchases (a new pen pot, a cute bird mobile phone holder and 2 gorgeous sky blue matching chopping boards) and swiftly left the shop. My husband will never say no to something that I really want and it makes me feel guilty afterwards when I’m back to my ‘normal’ stable self and our expenses for the month are way more than usual.

These are a few of the difficulties I face which could be described as ‘bad’, but what about the ugly? By ugly, I don’t of course, mean that I turn into a grotesque monster who people can’t stand to look at. I’m really referring to the effects that hypomania can have on character, traits or behaviour. For example, I can have a short temper and might raise my voice to my husband in frustration for being too slow to answer a question, forgetting something, not getting ready to go out fast enough or for asking me to repeat something I’ve said (when talking at speed and not stopping). I might also make comments about someone that I would consider to be nasty at any other time. Or my inflated ego might make me believe that I’m superior to others and that I could do a better job than them. Although I may or may not say things out loud, I don’t want to be someone who voices or thinks horrible things.

In the past, when I was on a high dose of antidepressants and no mood stabiliser, I would sometimes believe I was better than every teacher in the school and that they weren’t as dedicated as me because they took a proper lunchbreak or left before the school closed at 6pm. I would also often speak in a way which to others, might sound like I was full of my own self-importance. Then, I would rush around trying to do everything at once in a bid to maintain the illusion that I was the best! Needless to say, after trying to keep going and going like a Duracell Bunny, I would inevitably crash and either become physically unwell, mentally exhausted or depressed.

Before my diagnosis, I would go through lengthy periods of depression where I had no confidence in myself and got anxious and cried on a daily basis. I also sought reassurance from my husband constantly. However, when going through a period of hypomania, I genuinely believed that I didn’t need anyone’s help and support and that I no longer needed a husband / family / friends for encouragement, support or just to be there. Especially as everyone and everything seemed to irritate or anger me.

Over the years, I’ve learn to apply strategies to calm myself down and the medication I take helps immensely. However, I will never be cured so I am learning to live with my relatively recently diagnosed illness (even though I believe I’ve had the condition since my late teens) and my husband is incredibly patient with me and supports me in any way he can. Whether I listen to his advice or not depends on my mood! However, I’m grateful to have found someone so wonderful to share my life with and put up with my changing moods.

Final words…

I’m hoping that today’s post has given you an insight into the effects that hypomania can have on an individual. I believe it’s important for everyone to know a little bit about it as it’s likely that most people will know someone who is bipolar, even if they’re not aware of an individual’s diagnosis. If any of the writing doesn’t make sense, it will be because most of the above was written at 4am on my phone whilst I sat downstairs frustrated that my mind wouldn’t rest!

It’s taken me at least a week to finish and publish the above and I’m pleased to say that things are starting to settle down. I’m no longer taking diazepam for sleep and my mind has started to calm down a little. I still have lots of ideas and projects but I’m trying to make sure I only work on those which add value to my life. I’m also adopting the done is better than perfect way of doing things. Hopefully, I’ll continue to head in the right direction towards ‘stable’ a term I’m trying to use to describe my state rather than ‘normal’.

If you would like to know more about bipolar disorder and how it affects individuals or you suspect a love one may have the condition, the NHS website has pages of really useful information, including more detail about its presentation . Although symptoms different from person to person, there are set list of signs which are likely to be visible.

Thanks for reading!

Posted in Home cooking, relationships

Monday Matters: Why cooking together is good for your relationship

Posted on by Laura
Photo from a selection on Canva Pro

Over the last month or so, my husband and I have been sitting down together and creating a meal plan each week. I write the plan in my bullet journal, whilst my husband writes a shopping list of everything we’ll need from the supermarket. Doing this plan has many benefits including developing a broad and balanced diet, less food waste, seasonal eating and picking out some healthy recipes which we’ve enjoyed before or would like to try making.

Although I’m always really tired by the end of the day due to various factors, including my medication and health conditions, I’m trying my best to make sure that my husband and I cook together most evenings. As we’ve been doing this, I’ve noticed so many benefits for our relationship, and this is what has lead me to write today’s Monday Matters blog post. I hope you enjoy reading and are prompted to give collaborative cooking a go. I promise you it can be so much fun, even if you have a small kitchen and have to fight for preparation space!!!

Quality time together

We all want to spend as much quality time with our romantic partner as we can, and cooking together each evening can be a great part of this. Making dinner is a necessary chore but it can be turned into a more enjoyable and relaxing experience if it becomes a joint venture. The whole process of preparing ingredients, cooking, eating and clearing up afterwards not only offers opportunities for mindful activity, it also has the benefit of bonding and strengthening your relationship too.

Teamwork

Creating a dish together is a great teamworking activity where you can share out the preparation, read sections of the recipe out to each other and discuss who’s going to do what to equally divide the tasks. Also, if you alternate who takes the lead, it can boost confidence levels and provide opportunities to practice being assertive as one of you can tell the other what you’d like them to do next, and so on. This can be a real eye opener or learning curve if one of you usually tends to dominate in the relationship in terms of decision making or as the saying goes ‘wears the trousers in the relationship’!

Shared memories

Whether the dish that you’ve spent hours creating turns out to be the most delicious thing you ever tasted, a complete disaster, or something in-between, you can guarantee that many of your shared cooking experiences will lead to fond or funny memories. In fact, according to Meik Wiking, author of The Art Of Making Memories, multisensory activities, of which cooking is a great example, create the most vividly recalled memories of all. Taking the time to really focus on your experiences whilst cooking together – sights, smells, sounds, taste and touch will not only help you de-stress after a busy day, but it will also contribute to positive memory making too.

Encouraging conversation

When following a recipe for the first time, it will certainly prompt lots of conversation about what you’re doing and which tasks you plan to do next. But, as you develop your cooking confidence, learn new skills or make favourite dishes again and again, there’s plenty of opportunity for discussion on a wider range of subjects. Sometimes it might involve sharing stories about your day or talking about how work is currently going, or the focus might turn to making plans for your weekend, an upcoming event or even where you’d like to go to on your future travels. Whatever you end up chatting about, open and meaningful communication is key for healthy relationships.

Developing new skills

There are so many different technical terms and cooking methods that you can learn as you develop your culinary skills together. This week, my husband and I made celeriac soup and the first step of the recipe was to dice onions and thinly slice celery and sweat them in a pan. I had no idea what this meant so I quickly checked on my phone and learned that it involves putting a little oil in the bottom of a saucepan, adding the ingredients and half covering with the pan lid to gently cook them on a low heat. I also found lots of tips for the method such as stirring every now and then and adding a little bit of salt to speed up the process. Next time I see this method in a recipe, not only will we know exactly what to do, it will also remind us of the time we made celeriac soup for the first time (and indeed the first time we’d even tried celery root).

Problem solving

Cooking together can help you both develop your general and cooking related problem solving skills as you make decisions around the preparation of the dish or think about what you might do differently next time. So, for example, you might learn that something takes longer to cook than the recipe said and make a note on the recipe page to remind you next time, or you might learn that your oven is particularly fierce and things get burnt if you stick to the oven temperature or time suggested. Or you might discover that your fridge is directly where you tend to chop all of the vegetables so it’s best to get out all of the required ingredients before one of you gets to work dicing and slicing. For us, we tend to modify recipes either because it serves 4 people or it has strong spices in it, and, as I can’t tolerate spicy meals we might spend some time deciding what flavourings we would use instead, or even if the recipe would work without the spice.

Final words…

In today’s post, I’ve discussed how cooking with your partner is good for your romantic relationship, but the same could certainly be applied to other relationships you have such as a house or flat mate, your children (if they’re old enough and capable of safe basic food preparation) or anyone else you live with or like to spend time at home with. Collaboration in the kitchen, in my opinion, is much better than an hour spent scrolling on your phone catching up on all the various social media platforms you frequent.

Let me know in the comments if you already enjoy cooking with family or friends or if it’s something you’d definitely like to give a try. Or, if not, I would also love to hear why you think it might not work for you personally.

Posted in psychology, relationships

Monday Matters: Seven ways to bring more romance into your relationship

Posted on by Laura
Photo from Canva Pro

At the start of a relationship, we’re usually very keen to show how much we care for or love our partner. However, sometimes, as the years go by, we can take each other for granted and romance and affection can become less prevalent. Today, I’m sharing seven ways to keep the romance alive in your relationship however long you’ve been together.

Make time for your partner

Back when you started dating, you would arrange to see each other, carving out time in your diary and getting together as frequently as you could, whilst your relationship bloomed. As you make the commitment to live together or get married, have children (or a pet like my husband and I) setting aside time for one another is still just as important if your relationship is to stay strong. Some couples, especially those with kids, arrange date nights so that they can have a quiet evening with just the two of them together. This helps them to reconnect, communicate freely without interruption and have some fun.

Personally, my husband and I can enjoy hamster free time as we wish and regularly go out on a weekend to places of interest such as nature reserves, local woodland and forests for walks or to cities for shopping, coffee and cake or lunches in vegetarian or vegan cafes. We also often go out for a meal and occasionally for a few cocktails, to the cinema to watch a film or to the theatre in the evening for further quality time together.

Try new things together

Sharing new experiences together can help you feel a closer bond to your partner. This might include starting a new hobby, attending a class, or doing something that has been on your (real or virtual) bucket list for a while.

As part of my Autumn bucket list this year, I decided I would like for us to visit a pumpkin patch at a farm we pass on our way to Hexham. My husband booked us tickets which cost a few pounds each and the plan was to go there for 11am and then continue on to Hexham to have lunch in one of our favourite veggie cafes, do a little bit of shopping and then have a walk in the country park there. I took my DSLR with me and took lots of photographs at the farm of the various pumpkins and squashes, plus some snaps of the decor. We also had a little look in the shop and visited the tea rooms to check out what was available to eat should we wish to go there again.

We spent just over an hour at Brockbushes and it was so much fun wandering around the muddy fields and choosing a few squashes to buy to take home. It was lovely seeing lots of young and older children picking their own pumpkins and filling their little wheelbarrows. We both took plenty of photos of the scenery and each other and I intend to do some journalling about the experience to go in one of my traveller’s notebooks to spark memories of how much we enjoyed ourselves. I also got a couple of bits of autumnal home decor from the shop which are now on display in a couple of houseplant pots. Again, these will serve as a reminder of our time at the pumpkin patch.

Give small gifts and surprise them

Obviously, I’m not talking vastly expensive little gifts that leave you out of pocket for this one. Just small tokens of appreciation which you know they will love. For example, last month, I made my husband a personalised mug. The mug itself was 60p from ASDA and the vinyl for the message was a few £s but I spent ages in Cricut Design Space choosing fonts, making the decals the correct size and thinking about which colour vinyl he would like best. Surprises could include bringing them breakfast in bed, leaving a love note for them to find, bring home or cook a meal for them.

Photo credit: Laura Jones for Keeping It Creative

Show your appreciation with compliments

Who doesn’t secretly love compliments and crave words of encouragement that they’re doing okay as a husband/wife/partner? Try to cultivate the habit of saying nice things to your partner each day which affirm your love, show your appreciation and demonstrate that their efforts haven’t gone un-noticed. For example, you might tell them that an item of clothing really suits them, that their hair is looking good, you love their sense of humour or that their ability to make you feel calmer during periods of stress or anxiety is so helpful. Or, you might thank them for doing a particularly mundane household task that has been on your to-do list for a while. You don’t have to shower them with compliments all the time, else they might think you’re after something ha ha! but just a couple of niceties each morning or evening will certainly make a difference.

Listen attentively

During a conversation or when they are talking about their day, remember to give them your full attention, maintain eye contact and make relevant comments to show you are listening carefully. Even if you’re tired, or the topic of conversation doesn’t particularly interest you, show you care by really tuning in.

This can also be applied if you go out together somewhere for the day, for coffee, lunch or dinner . Try to resist the temptation to check your phone or show more interest in what other people are doing, whilst half heartedly listening as there’s nothing worse than feeling like your partner is distracted or not enjoying your company.

Show physical affection

Physical affection shouldn’t be limited to the bedroom. Hold hands when you’re out and about, snuggle up together whilst you watch TV, kiss them when they or you get home and when either of you leave in the morning, share hugs regularly to demonstrate your romantic feelings for them. Again, this is probably something you did all the time when you first got together but often, over the years, can dwindle or stop.

Know your partner’s love language

The idea of love languages was first identified in a book by Gary Chapman, a marriage counsellor, back in 1990, who identified five ways that romantic partners can express and experience love. Knowing you and your partner’s preferences can be super useful as it can help you demonstrate your love in a way that they will really appreciate and vice versa. The 5 love languages are:

  • Words of affirmation
  • Quality time
  • Physical touch
  • Acts of service
  • Receiving gifts

I’m sure you can see how these relate to the tips above, but this article goes into more depth on finding your language, and that of your partner, and gives some wonderful examples of ways in which you can show how much you care for them. Incidentally, love languages can also be applied to platonic relationships too as you will see in the webpage.

Final words…

Whether you want to up the romance in your relationship, or want to check you’re doing everything you can to show your partner you love them with all of your heart, I hope you’ve found today’s blog post an informative and useful read. Let me know in the comments what your love language is (or if you sway towards several of them) and if you share the same as your partner or if theirs is different.