relationship tips – Keeping it creative

Up until an hour ago (well as I write this anyway), I had never even heard of the term ‘pebbling’, which, according to an online article, is a very commonly used social media hashtag and a popular practice among us all (I must live under a rock which has no WiFi!). Despite this, as I perused the online article, I realised that I’ve engaged in pebbling with colleagues, friends, family and my husband many times, without knowing there was an actual name for it. If you’re unfamiliar with pebbling or the associated hashtag which is (apparently) currently flooding TikTok along with other social media platforms, or if you’d like to know more, I encourage you to read on…

The word pebbling was, in fact, originally used to described a romantic gesture that has been happening for decades, amongst gentoo penguins. During the breeding season, as part of their courtship ritual, male penguins carefully select and present a perfectly shiny and beautiful pebble to their prospective mate as a sign of their worthiness as a love interest and suitability to lifetime commitment (gentoos are usually monogamous). If the female is impressed by the aforementioned, she will place the gifted item as the foundation stone of her nest. Then, in return, she will present her own carefully chosen, smooth and highly polished specimen to her mate as a form of non-verbal communication.

Photo from a selection of free images on Unsplash curated by Derek Oyen

Now, I’m not about to suggest that you head off to the beach in a bid to find your own perfect little stone to woo potential partners with, but you can certainly apply the principles of pebbling by offering a small, inexpensive (or free) gift to demonstrate your feelings towards someone or to simply show them that you care, whether that’s as a family member, a friend, a colleague or as evidence that you like or admire them. I’ve written before on my blog about love languages with one of them being focused on receiving gifts, but, to be honest, I can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t appreciate a little, thoughtful something-or-other from someone else (as long as they consent to it or it would be considered a nice surprise anyway!).

The thing with the gentoo penguins and their pebble giving is that there’s no financial cost, and the emphasis is wholly on spending quality time carefully selecting something that they feel that the recipient would really appreciate. And this act of ‘pebbling’ can be applied to human gift giving as well – including the non-verbal element if you so wish. Think inexpensive or free items that will bring a little spark of joy to both the giver and the receiver, and you can’t go wrong.

So, what kind of things could you give as a token gift?

What you choose will completely depend on your chosen recipient but, here’s some ideas for you to consider:

A virtual gift with a ‘saw this and thought of you’ message attached e.g. their favourite pet or animal doing something amusing, a meme that just says it all or says it better than you possibly could (pebbling is very popular with neuro-divergent individuals who may struggle to say something heartfelt or thoughtful in words).
A link to an article you’ve read online (or a newspaper / magazine cutting) that you think would interest them or is on a topic which you think they would love to learn more about.
Some flowers picked from your garden which you think would cheer them up or make their day.
A photograph of you and a friend that you found from a while back as you were scrolling through your Google albums on your phone. This could be forwarded somehow, shared on social media e.g. their ‘wall’ on Facebook or printed and delivered in some way.
A pretty greetings card in which you let the person know that you are thinking about them or really appreciate them
Something to represent an ‘inside joke’ that you reckon would bring a smile or make someone giggle
A multipack of chocolate or sweets that you share with a couple of your closest colleagues.
Pass on a book (or a personal recommendation of one) that you’ve read and think they would enjoy too.
Pop out to your local bakery on a Sunday morning to get pastries for a leisurely breakfast with your partner, flat mate or kids
Buy a subject specific magazine for your significant other e.g. computing, gardening, crafting, wildlife etc
Pick up a little personalised item for them e.g. pen, pencil, keyring etc e.g. from a garden centre or gift shop (or, if you have a Cricut machine, add their name to an inexpensive plain or patterned notebook)
Bake some biscuits or cupcakes and bring them to the office to share with your colleagues (sometimes the recipient might be more than one person)
Buy a small box of individually wrapped chocolates (e.g. Cadburys Heroes, Celebrations, Roses or Quality Street) and let everyone you work closely with choose their favourite to enjoy with a coffee at breaktime.
Visit your local pet store to find a treat for your pet or pets – who says that penguins should be the only non-human animal to perform loving acts! Or, if you don’t have your own pet, why not pick up a treat to give to someone you like who does have their own cherished animal (thanks to my husband’s ex work colleague who provided the inspiration for this one – Aggie the hamster was very grateful for the cupcake shaped biscuits!)

Aggie in her digging tower where her treat was hidden!

Final words…

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading today’s post and it’s given you a good overview of the origins of ‘pebbling’ and examples of different small gifts you can give to show affection or care. I’m sure most of us have engaged in the act pebbling many times in the past and I would love to hear some of your favourites in the comments.

Happy pebbling!

Over the last month or so, my husband and I have been sitting down together and creating a meal plan each week. I write the plan in my bullet journal, whilst my husband writes a shopping list of everything we’ll need from the supermarket. Doing this plan has many benefits including developing a broad and balanced diet, less food waste, seasonal eating and picking out some healthy recipes which we’ve enjoyed before or would like to try making.

Although I’m always really tired by the end of the day due to various factors, including my medication and health conditions, I’m trying my best to make sure that my husband and I cook together most evenings. As we’ve been doing this, I’ve noticed so many benefits for our relationship, and this is what has lead me to write today’s Monday Matters blog post. I hope you enjoy reading and are prompted to give collaborative cooking a go. I promise you it can be so much fun, even if you have a small kitchen and have to fight for preparation space!!!

Quality time together

We all want to spend as much quality time with our romantic partner as we can, and cooking together each evening can be a great part of this. Making dinner is a necessary chore but it can be turned into a more enjoyable and relaxing experience if it becomes a joint venture. The whole process of preparing ingredients, cooking, eating and clearing up afterwards not only offers opportunities for mindful activity, it also has the benefit of bonding and strengthening your relationship too.

Teamwork

Creating a dish together is a great teamworking activity where you can share out the preparation, read sections of the recipe out to each other and discuss who’s going to do what to equally divide the tasks. Also, if you alternate who takes the lead, it can boost confidence levels and provide opportunities to practice being assertive as one of you can tell the other what you’d like them to do next, and so on. This can be a real eye opener or learning curve if one of you usually tends to dominate in the relationship in terms of decision making or as the saying goes ‘wears the trousers in the relationship’!

Shared memories

Whether the dish that you’ve spent hours creating turns out to be the most delicious thing you ever tasted, a complete disaster, or something in-between, you can guarantee that many of your shared cooking experiences will lead to fond or funny memories. In fact, according to Meik Wiking, author of The Art Of Making Memories, multisensory activities, of which cooking is a great example, create the most vividly recalled memories of all. Taking the time to really focus on your experiences whilst cooking together – sights, smells, sounds, taste and touch will not only help you de-stress after a busy day, but it will also contribute to positive memory making too.

Encouraging conversation

When following a recipe for the first time, it will certainly prompt lots of conversation about what you’re doing and which tasks you plan to do next. But, as you develop your cooking confidence, learn new skills or make favourite dishes again and again, there’s plenty of opportunity for discussion on a wider range of subjects. Sometimes it might involve sharing stories about your day or talking about how work is currently going, or the focus might turn to making plans for your weekend, an upcoming event or even where you’d like to go to on your future travels. Whatever you end up chatting about, open and meaningful communication is key for healthy relationships.

Developing new skills

There are so many different technical terms and cooking methods that you can learn as you develop your culinary skills together. This week, my husband and I made celeriac soup and the first step of the recipe was to dice onions and thinly slice celery and sweat them in a pan. I had no idea what this meant so I quickly checked on my phone and learned that it involves putting a little oil in the bottom of a saucepan, adding the ingredients and half covering with the pan lid to gently cook them on a low heat. I also found lots of tips for the method such as stirring every now and then and adding a little bit of salt to speed up the process. Next time I see this method in a recipe, not only will we know exactly what to do, it will also remind us of the time we made celeriac soup for the first time (and indeed the first time we’d even tried celery root).

Problem solving

Cooking together can help you both develop your general and cooking related problem solving skills as you make decisions around the preparation of the dish or think about what you might do differently next time. So, for example, you might learn that something takes longer to cook than the recipe said and make a note on the recipe page to remind you next time, or you might learn that your oven is particularly fierce and things get burnt if you stick to the oven temperature or time suggested. Or you might discover that your fridge is directly where you tend to chop all of the vegetables so it’s best to get out all of the required ingredients before one of you gets to work dicing and slicing. For us, we tend to modify recipes either because it serves 4 people or it has strong spices in it, and, as I can’t tolerate spicy meals we might spend some time deciding what flavourings we would use instead, or even if the recipe would work without the spice.

Final words…

In today’s post, I’ve discussed how cooking with your partner is good for your romantic relationship, but the same could certainly be applied to other relationships you have such as a house or flat mate, your children (if they’re old enough and capable of safe basic food preparation) or anyone else you live with or like to spend time at home with. Collaboration in the kitchen, in my opinion, is much better than an hour spent scrolling on your phone catching up on all the various social media platforms you frequent.

Let me know in the comments if you already enjoy cooking with family or friends or if it’s something you’d definitely like to give a try. Or, if not, I would also love to hear why you think it might not work for you personally.

Tag: relationship tips

Monday Matters: A beginners guide to ‘pebbling’ to strengthen your relationships

Monday Matters: Why cooking together is good for your relationship